Monday, 27 July 2009

How Then Shall I Live?

So, here's the issue. I dislike rejection. I don't like disunity with those to whom I am close and I fear I move out of people pleasing far too much. I don't know any other way really. Hence it appears I am under some bizarre sort of people pleasing law in order to garner approval and ultimately have my own way. I have these momentary revelations of freedom from having to live up to a standard that I am unable to meet, but it seems I have great difficulty living that revelation out. Meaning the revelation fades and here I am, once again, attempting to gain the approval and desire of, say, the one I am married to. My dear friend and cohort. Honestly, I have known that I will never measure up to his perfect artist's eyes standards. And he has never expected me to. But there is something in me that so badly wants to be that perfect mate in all ways and I know that I fail miserably. And then I know that is stupid, that I am trying to be something I am not, and not only that, something that there is no need for me to be. And I wonder why I am trying to be something that I am not able to be and what is driving me to try to do something I am not able to do. Why am I living like this?!!

And then I go to the "should" arena. There I berate myself for not deriving my satisfaction from God's perspective of me. That I am totally beautiful and desirable to Him (if nobody else). And I say to myself, 'That should be enough'. But, quite frankly I don't believe I have had a strong enough revelation of His love for me and I am still looking for approval in other places, from other persons. I have this idea of this wonderful romance (I got it from hearing about God's love for us) and I so badly want to have that sort of romance on this planet with my spouse. There-in lies the rub. My earthly love has no such aspirations and wouldn't understand why I might have such desires - ha. And I wonder to myself. What can I do to receive all my acceptance from my saviour, so that I stop looking for it here on this earth. I have heard stories of people who have been like me. Who have people pleased and peace made in order to live a comfortable life, in order to be liked and loved, in order to have this specatular earthly romance. And i am helpless. Helpless to move from truth that has yet to be manifested in really bright colours. I am still desring to be desirable to this one on earth. I can't do anything about that. All I can do is ask Him to delive me from this quandry.

It's not that I feel this way all the time. But I do know that I move from the need to be loved in a way that is not always going to happen. And I really really want to move from my identity in Jesus. I really really really want to be emptied of all these self serving desires that war within me to live for the approval of man. But I know the only way I can live free of that is to know (experience) the reality and complete fulfilment of my father's love for me. Is that possible on this earth. Do I ask too much to be overcome with His life, His love whilst traversing this planet. Or must I stay in this place of contention until I die and fully enter glory? It has been too long (in my opinion of course)! I am tired of living my life trying to seek another man's approval. I am tired of trying so hard. And yet it seems like I don't know anything different.

I just had to be brutally honest tonight because I got frustrated tonight and had to vent. And because I want to be totally transparent. I don't want to that deceptive place where I only speak of good things and then silence in my struggles. Here I am. Naked and exposed before you. Nothing hidden. I rather like that. . . I don't have it all together. I cannot glory it my efforts. My efforts, they are futile. I just need to know how to rest and recieve my papa's complete acceptance. I just want to move in this place candidly. I kinda am insecure sometimes. I am kinda needy sometimes - though I am aware that comes from my lack of awareness of His extravagant love for me. So, I am pestering Him to let me sojourn this place with an indelible comprehension of His love that blasts through any nasty insecure lies which attempt to flood my mind.


I even look for admiration in the way I write. Must dress myself carefully. Must present my words carefully. Must care about the impression I make on someone else. Ugh. Somebody help me. . .

So, there you go. Had to blurt all this pent-up stuff out tonight.


  1. Ahhhh, you beautiful, REAL you. Thank you for your trust. I speak for myself only when I say I feel honored that you feel you can 'just vent"!

    Paul Anderson Walsh brought up an interesting point when we heard him speak in Atlanta. He talked about our mistake in confusing God's Agape love with man's Eros love. If I understood him, he seemed to be saying that we transfer our need for unconditional love & acceptence to those around us, especially in out intimate relationships. I felt like he was warning us that ONLY GOD can totally fill the emptiness we feel inside, that the hole we feel can never be completely filled by other people or things, not even our dearest loved ones. That seems so sad in a way because we all want to find our soul mate and yet I think Paul's point was that God, and only God, can ever truly be our ALL in All. People do fail us. That is our human nature. God cannot fail. Yet, I choose to believe that by allowing God to become all to us we can joyfully share our earthly experience with another. Deep calls to deep.

    Becca, I'm not in a position to give out "expert' advice on anything but I think through our fullness of experiencing God we can love ourselves and others in ways we would not have thought possible.

    Keeping you in my prayers,

  2. Thanks. The 'fullness of experiencing God' is really what I am longing for methinks. . . I appreciate your thoughts in the midst of an emotional and busy summer for you. . .

    I just figured I want to "deal" with this by sharing with others of like mind, because I know the 'advice' will be sound. I really am tired of living in a 'needy/insecure/people pleasing seeking unconditional love and acceptance from people' place and I know there is a Way out of that particular wasteland into the garden of His fulness. It's not that I am always actively seeking human approval, but I have moments where these frustrations come to the surface and I am at the point of "let's deal with what's under the covers once and for all:)" so that it no longer has a frustrating surfacing point. I long to move out of His love so much more fully. I know that is my 'destiny' to know the fullness of His love. What more can we ask for? I appreciate your prayers.

  3. P.S. I forgot to mention that last night, after writing this, and lying in bed asking Him about it all I had a quick picture pop into my head of feet - which appeared to be in ballet shoes - that had ribbons wrapped loosely around both feet keeping them bound together. And really, that is how I have felt - bound, hindered - not free to dance - too afraid of the ones I am closest to opinion. . .

  4. You are CERTAINLY not bound in the heavenlies, only in your thinking!! What I find helps me: do not TRY to set your mind on something, even God. Ask The Lover of Your Soul to love you right where you become your oasis in your desert. I TRULY believe that God waits for us to turn to Him, to rely on Him. He desires to be ALL to us and longs for us to see this aspect of His passion for us. I think you'll find your feet are free to dance when you are more assured of His love. DO NOT LET what is between your ears dictate to you...let the Spirit within you guide you into Truth.

    Becca, your freedom, worth, identity, value, etc. are not determined by others or your opinion. God determined your value long ago when a lamb was slain. You are ALL TOGETHER LOVELY. Are you going to call God a liar?? :)

    Just remember, when you come out of the desert, you're LEANING ON your lover. See Song of Songs 8:5. Let Him love you, Becca and begin to see yourself based on His eyes and what they see.

    Thank you for your prayers. I have GREATLY needed them. :)

    Love & blessings.

  5. "Honesty is such a lonely word........Honesty is hardly ever heard"

    Okay for some reason I thought of that song as I read your poured out honest to goodness heart here. I can hear your frustration truly I can and the only thing I can speak to it is TRUTH. Truth - you are perfect in HIS eyes no matter what, you are all fair and lovely, with no spot, blemish or wrinkle in you. You have great worth far greater than rubies! You are accepted FULLY and COMPLETELY in Christ! Never to be "un" accepted based on your performance, or 'apparent' lack (which remember in HIS opinion you have none!)
    I say all this to encourage you to fix your eyes on HIM and these eternal truths and to hold fast to WHO YOU REALLY ARE!!! Do not let your fears and worries and emotions take you away from that truth. IT"S FIXED FOR ALL TIME IN THE HEAVENLIES!!!! YOU ARE SO FREE, FREE!!!
    I know sometimes this can be difficult within our earthly relationships, but I suspect you are under a bit of condemnation and attack - so my 2 cents girl is much like what Jamie shared - Let Him love you as only HE can and see yourself how HE sees you - that brings Him joy, when we take Him at HIs word and believe in who we truly are in HIs sight!!!

    Blessings on you!! You have fullness, take it, it's yours!!!

  6. ....the container is ok! What seems to happen is we lose balance.We forget who we contain.We begin sowing again on a basis of a lie again.That we have to "be something"...when all we can do (apart from a few surface improvements) is contain someone. We lose our peace and try desperately to do something to regain it. We try too hard. This brings more problems. That's why meetings are so good. Because they blast into this false reality we weave for ourselves, with another good dose of real love, and real Presence. But hopefully, we get better at doing this for ourselves.Waiting on God is really waiting upon His Life within us. Sensing what He wants to do or not through us. Yup sometimes it's nothing...just standing still and beholding the salvation of the Lord.

    I've reached a kind of hiatus with blogging. I've laid out what was on my heart to share. I don't want to carry on waffling if it's not helping people. And I find I am waiting to hear from God for my own life again. I don't want to miss anything.Least of all by blogging...if I should be doing something else entirely now.

  7. Yep, it's true what you say. There are times when it seems difficult to believe, but thankfully it is getting to be less and less.

    And I know what you are saying about blogging. I have to be fairly inspired in order to blog (or distraught - ha). But those who search will find. So I know that when we ultimately point to the ANSWER that there is inevitable encouragement for the reader. We really can't go wrong there. . . There are many quiet bloggers at the moment I've noticed.

  8. Chris I just have to say- your contribution to the blog world has blessed me more than you know. I have come to understand your heart and I find you are key in unifying folks in, can I say a sort of fatherly way - you really have the BODY in mind - anyway, just wanted to say that, as it was on my heart and wanted to encourage you!!! Besides you can't be finished blogging yet as Arthur's post needs to be written ;)

    Becca - it sure has been all quiet on the blogging front, the quietest I have seen it these past 2 years - could it be the deep breath before the plunge ;) He's taking us all deeper in - me thinks!!

  9. Lydia I could burst in tears at your words the way I'm feeling.Thankyou.
    I have no idea how I've offended folk..well more than the usual prophetic stuff...but there are people who just never communicate any more...and I so feel that verse we are joined by what we supply. Reception is a form of supply too.
    The blog has been the only place on this earth to share this yet....In heaven I will always and ever be grateful to a certain Dan Bowen who dared publish it, when nobody, nobody, nobody in 30 years since I first received the very beginnings would go anywhere near it. He has to know he is one of the rarest servants of God on the planet.

  10. Awww Chris - you are most welcome!!

    If you haven't offended anyone you haven't preached the pure truth of the Gospel - be encouraged!

    And as for Dan - you must tell him what you shared here, I am sure he could use the encouragement. He truly is a rare servant and a huge blessing to many!!!