So, here's the issue. I dislike rejection. I don't like disunity with those to whom I am close and I fear I move out of people pleasing far too much. I don't know any other way really. Hence it appears I am under some bizarre sort of people pleasing law in order to garner approval and ultimately have my own way. I have these momentary revelations of freedom from having to live up to a standard that I am unable to meet, but it seems I have great difficulty living that revelation out. Meaning the revelation fades and here I am, once again, attempting to gain the approval and desire of, say, the one I am married to. My dear friend and cohort. Honestly, I have known that I will never measure up to his perfect artist's eyes standards. And he has never expected me to. But there is something in me that so badly wants to be that perfect mate in all ways and I know that I fail miserably. And then I know that is stupid, that I am trying to be something I am not, and not only that, something that there is no need for me to be. And I wonder why I am trying to be something that I am not able to be and what is driving me to try to do something I am not able to do. Why am I living like this?!!
And then I go to the "should" arena. There I berate myself for not deriving my satisfaction from God's perspective of me. That I am totally beautiful and desirable to Him (if nobody else). And I say to myself, 'That should be enough'. But, quite frankly I don't believe I have had a strong enough revelation of His love for me and I am still looking for approval in other places, from other persons. I have this idea of this wonderful romance (I got it from hearing about God's love for us) and I so badly want to have that sort of romance on this planet with my spouse. There-in lies the rub. My earthly love has no such aspirations and wouldn't understand why I might have such desires - ha. And I wonder to myself. What can I do to receive all my acceptance from my saviour, so that I stop looking for it here on this earth. I have heard stories of people who have been like me. Who have people pleased and peace made in order to live a comfortable life, in order to be liked and loved, in order to have this specatular earthly romance. And i am helpless. Helpless to move from truth that has yet to be manifested in really bright colours. I am still desring to be desirable to this one on earth. I can't do anything about that. All I can do is ask Him to delive me from this quandry.
It's not that I feel this way all the time. But I do know that I move from the need to be loved in a way that is not always going to happen. And I really really want to move from my identity in Jesus. I really really really want to be emptied of all these self serving desires that war within me to live for the approval of man. But I know the only way I can live free of that is to know (experience) the reality and complete fulfilment of my father's love for me. Is that possible on this earth. Do I ask too much to be overcome with His life, His love whilst traversing this planet. Or must I stay in this place of contention until I die and fully enter glory? It has been too long (in my opinion of course)! I am tired of living my life trying to seek another man's approval. I am tired of trying so hard. And yet it seems like I don't know anything different.
I just had to be brutally honest tonight because I got frustrated tonight and had to vent. And because I want to be totally transparent. I don't want to that deceptive place where I only speak of good things and then silence in my struggles. Here I am. Naked and exposed before you. Nothing hidden. I rather like that. . . I don't have it all together. I cannot glory it my efforts. My efforts, they are futile. I just need to know how to rest and recieve my papa's complete acceptance. I just want to move in this place candidly. I kinda am insecure sometimes. I am kinda needy sometimes - though I am aware that comes from my lack of awareness of His extravagant love for me. So, I am pestering Him to let me sojourn this place with an indelible comprehension of His love that blasts through any nasty insecure lies which attempt to flood my mind.
I even look for admiration in the way I write. Must dress myself carefully. Must present my words carefully. Must care about the impression I make on someone else. Ugh. Somebody help me. . .
So, there you go. Had to blurt all this pent-up stuff out tonight.
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