am grieved. The 'oddest' thing gives way to reveal what is really there. And I have been building a false image. A false image that feeds off the praise of people. I am overcome with emotion in the midst of realizing what it is I have been doing. In my busyness of erecting this image based off of the false belief that my identity lies within how I am perceived and thusly treated I have been limited to pour out what is life. And then, restless, awkward, frustrated I read the obscure but true writings of one who is trying to convey how we have all got caught up in living half a life and missing the other because we are so busy trying. Trying to be that which we already are. And I see how I have treated others that I naturally find draining. Because I am not drinking I haven't much drink to give. But to see beyond the neediness, the need to know that I am okay. I am loved. I am accepted. The needy have need of this. And because they only know how to take, for they have this need to feed this need and it becomes an obsession veiled in false giving. False giving is that which is given in order to get. And it is easy to fall into that mentality. When you don't realize what you are full of. It is completely selfish and completely vain and completely futile. When we try to fulfill that need, we are doing the complete opposite of that which would fulfill the need. For we can NOT fill that need. For all the manipulating, controlling, cajoling, striving in the world cannot fill that need to be perfectly loved. And because we are so accustomed to fulfilling our own needs we don't realize quite the complex images we have created to reach that pinacle that can never be reached.
And for me, I have to experience humiliation of the image in order to see that the image was all it was and it was bearing no fruit. And I realize I have cut people off or down because I was operating out of falsehood to a certain extent. And there aint a whole lotta love when I moved out in that manner. I don't need to lift myself up. I am lifted up. I don't need to get love. I am loved. I don't need to reject others. I am accepted. I don't need to condemn. I am free. I don't need to find faults. I am faultless. I don't need to envy. I am perfect. I don't need to strive to obtain. I have all that I could ever need.
We fear and then we need to assauge that fear. Some coddle the fear, some collapse from the weight. Some run from the fear, some take anxiety pills. Some have nervous breakdowns. Some try to outsmart fear. Some pretend they are not afraid and some hide in delusions. Whatever the response - it sure doesn't resemble love. And when/where we aren't seeing the truth we aren't giving truth. And truth begets love. And falsehood begets all sorts of nasty miserable things. Because the truth is that we are absolutely and perfectly loved and accepted and our identy isn't wrapped up in stupid selfish things we have done or stupid selfish things people have done to us. Jesus makes all things new. Here comes the rain.
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