It's been a long time eh! I didn't realize that I haven't written on this blog in so long! Since I started working eh. . .
So I started out at this Personal care home cleaning, moved on to cooking for 30 or so residents and now I am doing personal care, where sometimes I am the one in charge, giving medications (including insulin), monitering health, cleaning people, even changing a colostomy bag here and there. If you are already a nurse that may not faze you, but for me it is a big deal. I never thought I would actually be capable of caring for people in such a physically intimate and fragile manner. It has been really trying at times, learning all that has to be learned. Pushing out past my shyness (in front of people who have worked there longer). I have had to be firmer than I feel comfortable being because there is no one I can go to to do it for me. It has taken alot of guts. ha ha literally. It can also be freaky if one starts to think how easily one could just up and die on me, while they were in my care. It has been straining at times. Nights where I just couldn't sleep, because of the stress of going beyond my comfort level. Send me to another country before you have me give a stranger a bath. I always thought I was pretty gutsy. I like to travel and just take off here or there. But boy, what a wimp I actually have been. I hate taking responsibility. Of course, once could say, don't take it on, let Jesus do it through you. It's all in His hands. Well yes, that is true, but it is so much easier said than done!
I have felt lonely in the midst of this. I feel like I have gone down a road that only I have gone down in my circle of friends here. I know it may seem silly, I only work a few days a week, but I guess I just feel drained. Like I would love someone around me to coddle me. Be able to just love on me freely. I really do get that from my kids, but there is something to be said for having someone stronger than me to lean on when I get worn out. I just don't have anyone like that around me and I wonder if I ever will. . . Okay, I guess maybe not til heaven, when everyone is solidly comprehending love. . . I guess I really just want Jesus to show up physically and hold me. I need to experience His love way way way more than I have. I am tired of just living and getting little glimpses of his love. I need more, people. I need to be consumed by the fire of His love. Blown away, overcome, undone. Just gonna publicly announce this (yet again) so that you may all rejoice with me when I actually start to experience this love fire again.
okay. . .
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