Sunday, 6 June 2010

Wow

It's been a long time eh! I didn't realize that I haven't written on this blog in so long! Since I started working eh. . .

So I started out at this Personal care home cleaning, moved on to cooking for 30 or so residents and now I am doing personal care, where sometimes I am the one in charge, giving medications (including insulin), monitering health, cleaning people, even changing a colostomy bag here and there. If you are already a nurse that may not faze you, but for me it is a big deal. I never thought I would actually be capable of caring for people in such a physically intimate and fragile manner. It has been really trying at times, learning all that has to be learned. Pushing out past my shyness (in front of people who have worked there longer). I have had to be firmer than I feel comfortable being because there is no one I can go to to do it for me. It has taken alot of guts. ha ha literally. It can also be freaky if one starts to think how easily one could just up and die on me, while they were in my care. It has been straining at times. Nights where I just couldn't sleep, because of the stress of going beyond my comfort level. Send me to another country before you have me give a stranger a bath. I always thought I was pretty gutsy. I like to travel and just take off here or there. But boy, what a wimp I actually have been. I hate taking responsibility. Of course, once could say, don't take it on, let Jesus do it through you. It's all in His hands. Well yes, that is true, but it is so much easier said than done!

I have felt lonely in the midst of this. I feel like I have gone down a road that only I have gone down in my circle of friends here. I know it may seem silly, I only work a few days a week, but I guess I just feel drained. Like I would love someone around me to coddle me. Be able to just love on me freely. I really do get that from my kids, but there is something to be said for having someone stronger than me to lean on when I get worn out. I just don't have anyone like that around me and I wonder if I ever will. . . Okay, I guess maybe not til heaven, when everyone is solidly comprehending love. . . I guess I really just want Jesus to show up physically and hold me. I need to experience His love way way way more than I have. I am tired of just living and getting little glimpses of his love. I need more, people. I need to be consumed by the fire of His love. Blown away, overcome, undone. Just gonna publicly announce this (yet again) so that you may all rejoice with me when I actually start to experience this love fire again.

okay. . .

7 comments:

  1. Oh I hear you on all of this! I was a nurse aide for a VERY short time... LOL... I really hated it! =D I suppose had I given it more time, I would've been a little more ok with it, but really I didn't like the physically intimate and fragile (as you worded it) contact with patients. After 4 months of that in the hospital, I was able to move to something less intimate but much more boring... watching heart monitors all shift long. :)

    Anyway, I also hear you on the longing to have "Jesus to show up physically and hold me." I do get that from my family in a sense, but I don't seem to have anyone else around me who I can personally lean on and share the joys and tribulations of life with. Many of the people I've hung out with in small groups/church settings tend to turn out to be not so real when it comes down to the deeper aspects of life together. Anyway, your post is causing me to want to vent... hahaha LOL...

    But it's SO GREAT to see a post from you! I've cut way back on blogging, not intentionally, and I really want to get back into it.

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  2. I'm so sorry that we're so far apart, Becs. It's true that I panic when people start to lean "too much" and I pull back fearing that I am inadequate in so many ways(which shows that I'm trying to shoulder God's job, not mine) but I want you to know that I would feel honored to be there for you...for a hug, or a chat, or just to listen and not judge( I TRY!!!).

    I cannot identify with your experience other than to say I think whenever we step outside our comfort zone(which for many moms is our home & children) we are stretched in uncomfortable ways. I fretted when I started substitute teaching; I felt such a responsibility to the children and I am sooo hard on myself at times. Even at the office, I have cried over mistakes in accounting that I make. Through these experiences though, I have learned to receive and extend grace to myself and others as we all are imperfect. I know this can't begin to compare to your experience but I guess I'm just trying to express the idea that I think when you are genuinely giving and loving others, THAT is what matters. I'm sure your job is far from glamorous but I think God has you in a place were He can love those people even when you're performing the most mundane or personal tasks for them. It takes a lot of true compassion to treat dependent people with dignity and to give help without robbing them of their self-respect. I'm so proud of you for letting Jesus love through you in such a real way. Talk is CHEAP.

    Please know how loved you are by all of us and how often you cross my mind. Life can seem very solitary at times but you are my sister and you are NOT ALONE. I wish you were here to sip some sangria and bask in His goodness with me. I thank God for the gift of y'all in my life...you are the warmth that He wraps me in.

    Love you, pretty Becca. Thank you for sharing your heart.

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  3. Oooh someone's up to no good. Don't click on those links in those posts above.

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  4. Oh blast! I guess I am going to have to set this blog up with permission hoops to hop through.

    Thanks for the words Joel! Sometimes eruptions gotta happen, and I gotta spew :) I felt much better after doing so! It is so so nice to be on the same page with other beloved people!

    And thank you too Jamie! I feel goofy after I make my feelings so publicly open and then look back on it the next day when I am feeling so much better. . . But it is a release to write to people who I know care and understand and listen! I don't take the physical presence of like minded friends for granted!

    The idea, concept, word UNITY has been coming up a lot this last week. Watched the movie the Road and it shows how relational we all really are quite clearly!

    Oh and Jamie, I understand, as you know, about the leaning thing, being that I do the same thing. And I guess that is why I do feel so alone at those times. . . because I know that all humans are frail and that really there is only ONE who I can cast my full weight on without fear that it is too much. Then I get mad that I can't experience casting all my cares in a purely physical way too. I think I also get deceived by all these novels I read, as though there might be one person on this planet who I might totally lean on. It seems to happen to alot of the characters - that they find someone that they can totally rely on. I think it's a load of umm nonsense :) There is no person walking on this planet who is that strong.

    I have found with work that the more confident I feel (more I really feel I have grasped) regarding emergencies, the way less stressed i do feel. Like when one lady's blood sugar plummeted and she started sweating profusely I felt like I actually knew what to do. 3 week earlier it would have all been theory and very vague and basically I would have been a lot more freaked out. But I had learned more than in theory and felt confident enough to deal with it.

    I think being given a responsibility that is beyond one's capabilities is much too stressful. . . which is the purpose of full on training. Basically I am doing a job that lpn's study 2 years to do. It makes sense that they study for that long. It instills comprehension and skills that are much needed. It was like I felt someone had stuck a scalpel in my hand and told me to cut and remove the cancer, but I had only had a vague idea of how to proceed. In over my head. Kinda like when you just give birth to your first born. Overwhelming and freaky. Sure, you can say, just trust the Lord. . . Yet, learning is not always as unstressful as we would like it to be.

    Is learning meant to be without difficulty?

    I guess I am just kinda blabbing. . . But I love you guys and am so glad you are in my life!!!

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  5. YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T GET AN INSTRUCTION MANUAL WITH YOUR FIRSTBORN?!? MAN!!! It comes out right after the baby, doesn't it? Did my mom lie to me??? Where did that book come from? :P

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