I started a job. A very part-time job.
I am cleaning and doing personal laundry at a small retirement home. There isn't a dire need for me to work, but it seemed like something purposeful. Like me and Jesus could walk in the place and clean their toilets and dirty clothes and give em a quiet smile. Because my livelihood does not depend on having that job I can do it with far less burden and far more freedom than if I was under the illusion that I actually depended on it. ha ha
When I was an older child and teen we used to go sing Christmas carols at retirement homes. And almost as soon as I would go in those places I would start bawling and cause my parents great consternation. I hated going in there. It hurt too much. I felt way too much lonliness and pain. Now, I really didn't know what was going on. Why I felt such pain and dread of going in, but as I reflect on it I realize that it is because I have a feeling ability. My middle child has it too. We don't exactly know what to do with it at times because it is intense and over-rides common sense. We aren't particularly helpful in the midst of it. I guess some could call it burden bearing or something like that. . .
Like you know how Matthew has that song 'Lord of the Dance' posted up on his page. It totally reminded me of the time that I had started as (clueless) head cook for an Anglican summer camp. And the pre camp staff get-together people were singing that song. And they were all goofing off while they were singing about Jesus dying. And I started bawling. Cause I I knew that most of them had no clue what was coming out of their mouths, no clue about the awesomeness of what Jesus did for them and How much he loved. Dan looked at me as if I was loopy too (we were newly married :). I couldn't stop crying. It was the same summer that our friend was 'born again' and sharing at that camp and then Dan shared the reality and I just bawled the whole way through at the back and then was able to mention how much God loved them in the midst of all the pain these kids, these people had been through. I have shared this story before. . .
I share all this to say, that even as I write this I am seeing that the reason I go through and have recently been going through so much up and down is really quite due to this feeling ability. . . I am feeling a lot. And it can be hard on me - restless sleep, anxiety etc, when I pick up on stuff. It's like I have this antenna on me tuning into all these frequencies around me and if I forget or listen to the worry lies etc then I will get kinda down. But when I know that I am just picking up on feelings around me and it isn't 'me' then I am ok. Then I can cry freely, knowing that I am not crazy, but that God is loving in and through this unique vessel of mine. That is why I can go into a retirement home and not bawl the whole time. Because I have hope for the hopeless. I can feel their pain and cry with them, but I can also point them to the healer. Though I sense that there will be days where I will be more sensitive and may well bawl the whole day I am there. But it will not be hopeless. Wailing at the wall. . . ha ha. . . and the walls some tumbling down.
Isn't it easy to take things on and own them - as though those thoughts or lies orginated with us. But no. We all have unique tuners and when he shows us how our tuners work it is much easier to rest. Because it is never on us in a burdensome sort of way. It's just that we are all so specially made. We have special ways to maneuver with Him, in Him, through Him on this planet. The core is Love. The core is Jesus. The outlets are all so unique. One body, many parts. . .
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