Sunday, 27 December 2009


Oh guys it was brutal today in a weird sort of brutal. . . Not deep pain and sorrow sort of brutal, but the 'church' going sort of brutal. We all went today (we never really do), but felt that for some reason we should. . . Went. Not a big group of people (we live in a small town). Most of the people we either knew or are friends with. But man! The set up. So not natural! These are people we normally laugh and joke and share with, but this setting sure does not allow for such things as that. i have to say that the longer i have been not 'attending church' the more odd it appears to me when I go. Nevertheless, it was sooooooooooooooo boring! I mean no offense to those who were trying so hard, but gee, talk about causing oneself misery. . . I went home and was so drained that I snapped at everyone and then went to bed. I couldn't fall into a deep sleep though. It was like it was just my mental state that was drained and my body couldn't follow suit and sleep.

I am so ready to blow this joint. Yep, living here in the small prairie town has lost its luster (alright it never had luster, but you know. . .). So, no, I am not particularly content. I am rather inclined toward self pity guys. Woe is me who has so much and yet likes to complain. I have to say that I absolutely love travelling. I love driving out on the highway. I love meeting with dear friends of like mind and hanging out with my family (who are all on Van Island). We have been here over a year and we don't have good enough friends we can even just show up at their place and hang out. We were all alone at Christmas. My dear girls got all dressed up in their little outfits and had nowhere to go. They didn't seem to notice the irony, much to my relief. It's easier when you don't know what you don't have (or don't care). We live in a culture here that we don't belong in. It is like permanent culture shock. The closest friends we do have here are actually from BC as well - ha ha.

Well, there you have it. I guess I am a little sad. And maybe going and working at the nursing home this weekend will give me some purpose here. I must confess that living out here has made me see clearly what I truly have had in the ways of friends and family. It is hard to muster up something that you don't have though. I don't have a desire to be here and either does D. And we know where we head next (most likely), but are not sure how that will happen? Ah, one step at a time. I have enjoyed the dialogue over at Joels facebook page recently. That was fun. I like being woken up like that. That was my Christmas consolation. I love to think and talk and share and encourage and be encouraged and provoke and be provoked. I love adventure (as long as I am not sick while it happens ha ha). I love the feel of the wind in my hair and the motion of the car on a highway with a far away desination. I love the life in living, the vitality in motion and the unique people I meet along the way. I need a place where I can entertain guests, yet not somewhere that keeps me in one place all the time (gypsy in my blood). I love to be hospitable and share from the core of my being the One who is my core. I need some visitors and I need to visit. I feel about to burst. I HAVE SO MUCH and I must needs share what I have!

Have I gone on enough? I guess I will leave it at that. Good night all. I will go read some Father Brown mysteries now. . . If interested here is a link to free online Father Brown short stories:

Friday, 25 December 2009

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

As this time of year causes us to think of new starts I will move off of that premise and say that I have great hopes for this year ahead. . . to be one where we come into a clearer and more intimate understanding of Jesus. A year where we know how free we are to abandon all our fears and temptations and relax into His works in us. A year where we are so totally compelled by His love and consumed with His love. This is what I ask for each one of us - to enter into agreement with and experience of. What more could I really ask for?!


I love you all!

Thursday, 10 December 2009

Bittersweet Memories

We had to put our large, gentle, giant dog(half wolf and husky, shepherd, malamute) of 10 years down yesterday. What we orginally thought to be a simple shoulder problem, was quite a lot more serious than that. Bone cancer. Of course we had prayed for him to be healed, before we ever received such a prognosis, but he just didn't get better. The thing is, I didn't realize it would be this hard. I am not such as dog person as I was when I was a child. And this fellow gradually got ousted to the great outdoors after the arrival of children. And I must confess I was not the greatest or kindest owner of the old fellow. I was terrible at walking him and I let Dan do most of the caretaking of him. So, I thought that it would just be a natural progression from him lying around in the dog room area most of the time, to the time when he passed over. But no, it seems so much of our decisions have revolved around him. And so, now that he is no longer with us, we don't have to make decisions (such as traveling or house buying) based on him. Even though he was an independent dog - ran away a million times and didn't like too much cuddling, his presence was always there, always a factor in most of what we did. And it gets me, we lived in some super busy places and he ran away so much, but he ALWAYS came back and he NEVER was harmed. And then we find out he has been suffering from bone cancer. Guys, there were times he ran away and we were so frustrated and irritated that we didn't even care if he came back.

So, why is this so brutal right now? Seriously, last night was an onslaught. The constant tempation of guilt for putting him down. The deceivers whispers were very loud to both of us last night. I haven't experience 'guilt' in a long time. It was horrid. Not surprising though.

The word HE (aka God) spoke to Dan earlier this month was, 'Prepare for Change'. We didn't realize it would include this. Tonight I looked at real estate online that we had been looking at for a while now and it all seemed so pointless. And I know I am tired and worn out and grieving and I have seen Jesus just there stroking my hair. I know this will pass. I know this. I think I am just a little battle worn. . . And naturally grieving of course. It just seems that there is more to this than the obvious. I guess I feel let down or disappointed or disallusioned. Like Toad (our dog's name - ha ha)was more wrapped up in our hopes of what God was going to do in the future. I don't know. I could use a good dose of Joy and Vision right about now :) I would like to experience the reality of Jesus being all that right now. . .

Our last trip with him (last summer)