We had to put our large, gentle, giant dog(half wolf and husky, shepherd, malamute) of 10 years down yesterday. What we orginally thought to be a simple shoulder problem, was quite a lot more serious than that. Bone cancer. Of course we had prayed for him to be healed, before we ever received such a prognosis, but he just didn't get better. The thing is, I didn't realize it would be this hard. I am not such as dog person as I was when I was a child. And this fellow gradually got ousted to the great outdoors after the arrival of children. And I must confess I was not the greatest or kindest owner of the old fellow. I was terrible at walking him and I let Dan do most of the caretaking of him. So, I thought that it would just be a natural progression from him lying around in the dog room area most of the time, to the time when he passed over. But no, it seems so much of our decisions have revolved around him. And so, now that he is no longer with us, we don't have to make decisions (such as traveling or house buying) based on him. Even though he was an independent dog - ran away a million times and didn't like too much cuddling, his presence was always there, always a factor in most of what we did. And it gets me, we lived in some super busy places and he ran away so much, but he ALWAYS came back and he NEVER was harmed. And then we find out he has been suffering from bone cancer. Guys, there were times he ran away and we were so frustrated and irritated that we didn't even care if he came back.
So, why is this so brutal right now? Seriously, last night was an onslaught. The constant tempation of guilt for putting him down. The deceivers whispers were very loud to both of us last night. I haven't experience 'guilt' in a long time. It was horrid. Not surprising though.
The word HE (aka God) spoke to Dan earlier this month was, 'Prepare for Change'. We didn't realize it would include this. Tonight I looked at real estate online that we had been looking at for a while now and it all seemed so pointless. And I know I am tired and worn out and grieving and I have seen Jesus just there stroking my hair. I know this will pass. I know this. I think I am just a little battle worn. . . And naturally grieving of course. It just seems that there is more to this than the obvious. I guess I feel let down or disappointed or disallusioned. Like Toad (our dog's name - ha ha)was more wrapped up in our hopes of what God was going to do in the future. I don't know. I could use a good dose of Joy and Vision right about now :) I would like to experience the reality of Jesus being all that right now. . .
Our last trip with him (last summer)
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Aw Bec, I am sorry for your loss, much like a family member I bet. And I am sure it's hard for the kiddos too!
ReplyDeleteWell, I'll speak to the dang guilt - Girl - it is illegetimate! It has no place in your life - you are free and condemnation has no hold over you! You are the beloved of Jesus and he is ready to love on you and hold you tight!!! I think He was the one keeping and protecting Toad all this time whenever he ran off - he cares for all of his creatures!!
I wish I could be of more encouragement to you right now, but hang in there - just let Him love on you awhile!!!!!!! Peace be on you and your household!!!
What a gorgeous animal!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss, Becca. And I want you to know that all that you're feeling is completely natural. The doubt, the pain, and even the second guessing are all part of saying goodbye to a friend when you have to make a difficult decision. We have been there. We lost a beautiful 2 year Arabian colt that Ryan surprised me with for Christmas one year. I didn't need a baby, which is what he was when we got him. I am NO horse trainer. So, I "fed him & led him" for a couple of years, until he was old enough to be sent to a trainer and go "under saddle",which is what you do with babies. Unfortunately, he colicked and to make a long, painful story short he had to be put down. And we were heartbroken that our vibrant, trusting friend was gone so suddenly.
It is normal & human to grieve. And following Jesus doesn't negate our humanity. So cry and laugh remembering the good and bad. That's life.
I have been tired and sad for many months now but I feel like I've finally turned a corner. Now that I have, I'm realizing that although I had been on the mountain top for a long time, valleys do come and we shouldn't feel abandoned or that we are somehow being less than we should be.
I will be praying for your soul to be refreshed, especially during this hectic season.
Hold this thought: God wrapped Himself in flesh so that He could indwell you. GOD!! GOD DID THAT! Just for the joy of living life with you and experiencing all that you feel and think...good & bad. Mmmmm, that is some crazy kind of love stuff, huh? So, it's OK to be sad. Cry in His arms. And confused and disappointed and disillusioned. Talk to Him about it. Trust Him with it.
I know the sun will shine again for you...I'm just praying sooner rather than later.
And TOAD?!? I LOVE it. :) Great name.
Love, beautiful Becs.
Becky,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you lost your dog. God loves us through animals many times, I believe. I hope your children are doing okay in their grieving too.
Jamie,
What you wrote made me cry. I know it was for Becky but God used it to bless me with His love in my own sadness. Thank you so much!
With love from Sparrow
Thanks guys! I am feeling much better now. The speed and intensity with which this happened was rather traumatic at first and I can see where evil loves to hang out. . .
ReplyDeleteSorrow is one thing, hopelessness another. . . I really really appreciate your kind true words and prayers on my behalf!
My kids were quickly consoled by picturing Toad running about in paradise with a bunch of dogs who have already passed on. It made them happy to think that he is happy.
Yeah, Jamie, you are correct. There are times. . . And there is purpose and hope in the sad times (even if we do find ourselves gritting our teeth and chanting,'Make it go away . . .' over and over). I now have been shot with a dose of greater compassion and understanding than what I had before. It is just nice to know that what I was experiencing was normal. There is a relief hearing that.
I love you all too!!
Becky, It's ages later and I have only just read your last few posts.
ReplyDeleteI expect God's grace has already been beamed down upon you surrounding your pet loss.
I just wanted to say about your birthday book...how exciting and I believe timely. I had no idea Rick had such a book out.
To me it is as though God has lit up Genesis 3 the world over. And He is saying go in deep...see all the effects...at every level. Only as we do can we hope to see a real healing occur. Truly God is saying, come here, and look at the snake raised up in the wilderness, but before you do, I want to take you back to the original snakebite.
For me it is so exciting, to see first one, then another, all over the globe, suddenly start to see this Tree of Knowledge of good and evil permeate through everything out there. And up until now it has been like the whole Body of Christ has been oblivious....just sailing round blithely lopping off bits of surface fruit in Deuteronomy 28 (the blessings and the curses), while the major festering sore was still rank and puss-filled underneath it all! My last post about Christmas is again along the lines of the exchange that has taken place. For me it was gobsmacking to hear it preached back to me the very next morning. This is how I know that this is the Holy Spirit vibe at the moment.
Like Jamie Weeks'blog...when I get to read your blog I do love your frankness and reality. Sometimes it seems it is a waste of time bothering to post things...but it is amazing that those genuine experiences continue sitting there on the net for time to come, and we never know which people are sent in by the search engines!
Have a happy Christmas Lewis family!!
Merry Christmas to you Chris!
ReplyDeleteWhat you share is very cool! Back to the original snake bite hey. So thankful that has been replaced with our Lovers kiss of life! I have been to your page now and then, though I have been rather remiss in actually taking the time to contemplate all that you have shared. Nevertheless I do come away with new thoughts and thoughful news. . . Thanks!