Working

I started a job. A very part-time job.

I am cleaning and doing personal laundry at a small retirement home. There isn't a dire need for me to work, but it seemed like something purposeful. Like me and Jesus could walk in the place and clean their toilets and dirty clothes and give em a quiet smile. Because my livelihood does not depend on having that job I can do it with far less burden and far more freedom than if I was under the illusion that I actually depended on it. ha ha

When I was an older child and teen we used to go sing Christmas carols at retirement homes. And almost as soon as I would go in those places I would start bawling and cause my parents great consternation. I hated going in there. It hurt too much. I felt way too much lonliness and pain. Now, I really didn't know what was going on. Why I felt such pain and dread of going in, but as I reflect on it I realize that it is because I have a feeling ability. My middle child has it too. We don't exactly know what to do with it at times because it is intense and over-rides common sense. We aren't particularly helpful in the midst of it. I guess some could call it burden bearing or something like that. . .

Like you know how Matthew has that song 'Lord of the Dance' posted up on his page. It totally reminded me of the time that I had started as (clueless) head cook for an Anglican summer camp. And the pre camp staff get-together people were singing that song. And they were all goofing off while they were singing about Jesus dying. And I started bawling. Cause I I knew that most of them had no clue what was coming out of their mouths, no clue about the awesomeness of what Jesus did for them and How much he loved. Dan looked at me as if I was loopy too (we were newly married :). I couldn't stop crying. It was the same summer that our friend was 'born again' and sharing at that camp and then Dan shared the reality and I just bawled the whole way through at the back and then was able to mention how much God loved them in the midst of all the pain these kids, these people had been through. I have shared this story before. . .

I share all this to say, that even as I write this I am seeing that the reason I go through and have recently been going through so much up and down is really quite due to this feeling ability. . . I am feeling a lot. And it can be hard on me - restless sleep, anxiety etc, when I pick up on stuff. It's like I have this antenna on me tuning into all these frequencies around me and if I forget or listen to the worry lies etc then I will get kinda down. But when I know that I am just picking up on feelings around me and it isn't 'me' then I am ok. Then I can cry freely, knowing that I am not crazy, but that God is loving in and through this unique vessel of mine. That is why I can go into a retirement home and not bawl the whole time. Because I have hope for the hopeless. I can feel their pain and cry with them, but I can also point them to the healer. Though I sense that there will be days where I will be more sensitive and may well bawl the whole day I am there. But it will not be hopeless. Wailing at the wall. . . ha ha. . . and the walls some tumbling down.

Isn't it easy to take things on and own them - as though those thoughts or lies orginated with us. But no. We all have unique tuners and when he shows us how our tuners work it is much easier to rest. Because it is never on us in a burdensome sort of way. It's just that we are all so specially made. We have special ways to maneuver with Him, in Him, through Him on this planet. The core is Love. The core is Jesus. The outlets are all so unique. One body, many parts. . .

Homeschooling

I homeschool my kids. Not because I am especially patient and organized. Just cause I feel like that is the right driection to go in. I am a little on the protective side when it come to young children. And since I am a bit of a non-conformist I have taken advantage of being able to teach my own children instead of having an insitutionally trained teacher teach my child.

However, I must confess to chaffing against the vast majority of homeschool curriculum as well. It seems that with all the good intentions there is so much institutionalism of a more legalistic mindset that pervades the homeschooling genre. In other words, I am more drawn to the unschooling frame, because it isn't so much a system as it is a way to learn in a more natural habitat. Alas, i suck at it - ha ha. I intinctively rebel against the box, but I also am just learning myself what it means to live in a wind blown / directed enviroment. So, as it happens for all those of us who have entered into the Way, it is something that is learned by response as apposed to learned systemically.

There is no clear cut direction to take at times. And in those moment of unknowing I naturally tend toward trying to understand which only serves to confuse me and cause me to live out of befuddlement.

And guys, it feels like a battle. In this aloneness, in the barreness of these prairies I sometimes feel so given over to stupid thoughts. And I will read other blogs with the same sluggishness of thought and the results tend to be that which keeps me thinking the same stupid thoughts.

Let me share a story. We had a 2002 hyundai hatchback. Runs decently, but can't use emergency brake in winter, cleaner fluid container is broken, thus mucky windows, and dents from stupids moves and cracked front window. Know that we need to get a timing bet replaced (supposed to have been done 100,000 km ago. . .). So, been tempting to buy a new car with extremely low financing with a couple extra seats for friends and visitors and 5 year warranty. So, last Saturday we go check a car out that we have been eyeing for price, gas mileage and seating. We get approved for financing. Uh oh I think. Then (as some of you may have read on facebook) we go for lunch for the first time inside of Tim Hortons (like Dunkin Donuts for you americans :) We prefer the drive through, but kids always beg to go inside. So we go inside and the olympic torch just happens to be in there (the one that goes across the country before the ceremony begins in Vancouver) And Dan just has to go and ask if he can hold it. So, he does and I take a cheesy picture. It seemed meaningful. . .

Just weird timing and all that. So Monday we go to the car dealership and buy a spanking brand new car. Freaky. So, now we have these monthly payments for 5 years. And a battle goes on in my mind. What if, what if, what if? What if the economy crashes and we can't afford it. What if majoy catastrophe happens? Should we be owing money. Is that right? Are we being stupid? Is this just North American luxury mindset?

Seriously guys, I am really getting tired of these thoughts (aka worries). And I hate these onslaughts of worry. It is so pointless and lifeless. I so need to see from His vantage point, His heart. And it is this aloneness here where we are not around anyone of like mind to remind us of the Truth. Joy and peace in Jesus. Honestly guys, I have not experienced such an onslaught of doubt since I have moved to this town in the middle of the boonies (in my opinion). This last year and a half have been just brutal in the worry dept. Heart palpatations (am I having heart problems - or is it caused by worry / doubt). Constant mild flus and colds. . .

Like man, I need some serious mind adjustments. The peace seems to be passing me by. Though there are little intervals of oasis, I truly have not experienced such intense lies of mundaness and worry til this last year. What's up with that? I know all the right terminology etc, but I am missing the constant sweetness of His presence. Pathetic.

Okay, so, on with the story. I sleep badly the night after we buy the car. Like, what did we just do? Did we sign our lives away?! aah. Why can't I flipping turn my eyes upon Jesus. Why does it seem so blooming hard?!! Then along comes Skibby the next day. He's a guy Dan ended up working with. Like the week we moved to this town we walked down the road past this somewhat decrepit looking house with freaky dogs chained up outside barking at us. Dan is instantly repulsed by the place. I am sad for the little kid I see living there. That's the house Dan ends up asking Jesus for a while later. Then amazingly a year later Dan ends up working with the eldest boy of the family. Yep. Skibby. Parents alcoholics. Not able to be there for him. Skibby gets into trouble, the wrong crowd as he puts it. Very aware fellow. Nice looking fellow gets into the typical trouble crowd. Quits school. smokes pot. fast cars. drinking. oil rigs. And ends up working with Dan. . . Takes to Dan. They start playing hockey together. They meet just after Skibby gets into an accident (from too much speed). Things are starting to go downhill for Skibby. They all end up not getting paid from the reno they do on this persons place. He goes back to oil rig, falls off after a few days and breaks ribs. On New Years Eve I get a call on my cellphone (while I was on the way down the bigger town to do some birthday party shopping). His car that his girlfriend drove to pic him up from the airport 2 hours away broke down. They needed a lift from a town an hour away from ours. I happened to be half way there. I go and pick them up.

He doesn't ask for much, so instead of it being a burden it was more of an honor that they thought of us to help em out. I drive em back to Canora. Then we don't hear from him for a week or so. Then he appears yesterday. Drives by while Dan is fiddling outside with the new car. They start talking. He comes inside and tells us that he is moving to Regina (the city) and needs to trade in his old truck and buy a car. His girlfriend just kicked him out. He had sold his fast red car and ended up not being ripped off. Buys a cheaper blue car and that was the one that broke down. He managed to be driving a stolen snowmobile of a 'friend' who got busted the day he was trying out this snowmobile. Gets arrested by the special ops, then released cause he actually didn;t have anything to do with the drugs and stolen stuff. He does most likely buy the pot from the guy. I know he smokes it regularly.

So, he is feeling bruised and battered inside and out and is planning on moving to the city in the next week.

Well Dan and I look at each other, as we had been wondering whether we should sell out old car or keep it in case we need it or give it to someone should we hear of a need for a car. So, Dan tells Skibby, 'You will have a hard time with this, but we want to give you our old car.' Skibby just sat there stunned. He couldn't take it in. He started to get weepy (not typical for this young buck) and said,'I can't believe it. I feel like I just just won the lottery.' Dan smiles ironically and says well it's not the lottery (older car), but we know that God wants you to have it. So, Dan cleans it out and we sign it over to him. Very powerful moments there! Made me feel better about buying a new car. Purpose in it right. . . Well, Skibby calls his parents to let em know and they just don't believe it. 'No one gives away a car for nothing' is what they tell him. And he tells his sister (in Regina) and his friends. The words spreads quickly in this small town and no one can believe it! Ha ha ha. You gotta love it. We thought that yes, it would affect Skibby, but we didn't realize how many people around us would be affected by it. Skibby the 'town no good kid' (for that is how he is known here) got given a decent not super old car.

Then I read Jamies post and I weep, for the people who give out of their lack. We didn't give out of our lack, but as the timing was set up by God to give Skibby the car, it was that same teary eyed beauty of the love of God. That was what Skibby was hit by, though he doesn't understand that yet. So many in this town will say that he doesn't deserve that car. He is trouble that boy. Oh no no no. The is the very grace of God eh! No matter what happens with that car. The impression made is made.

Eww, conformity

New Year

I have to confess that New Years celebrations rarely tend to live up to my expectation of what I think that it should be like. Problem is people are involved. Ha! So, if I were to base 'a fresh new year' on it's entrance I would be in for a miserable year. Thankfully we are not bound to one night of mediocrity determining the following days!

So, anyway, guys, just to forewarn you next time I write a whiney post - its likely cause is that there is a whirlwind of 'spiritual activity' of which I am caught up in the eye of the storm - till suddenly it shifts and I find myself spiraling about in a wee bit of chaos. Mmm mmm mmm. So it makes me happy that He makes all things new!!!

There have been some very cool happenings (sharing revelation times of Jesus) and some very uncool backlash (anger, condemnation and selfrighteous manifestations). What an adventure! Anyway, moving on. . . moving on. . . When I am less tired I must share some cool parallels I have come across that I think you all would enjoy!